Divorce can be a very confusing process. There are many adjustments requiring adaptations while also helping your children understand the new family system. And, of course, they are going to have a lot of questions about the divorce.
I’m Carly Schrimpl, and I’ve worked with 100s of children that have experienced divorce in their homes. Here are 5 questions that children may have regarding the divorce and how to answer them.
#1: Why are my parents getting divorced?
This is a big question, and a very complicated one. A child may have this question because they want to know why their parents do not like each other or agree anymore.
The interesting research on child grief shows that if children do not get the answers, they will make up their own answers. Which is why it is important to be clear, concise, and strategic on your responses to protect the integrity of both parent relationships.
If you do not have a concise and age-appropriate divorce story please watch my video on that top.
In the meantime, a response like, “Divorce is when two people decide they can no longer live together as a couple. Your mom and dad have tried really hard to work things out, but we’ve realized that it’s better for us to live separately.
This decision isn’t because of anything you did; it’s something between us as adults. Even though we won’t be living together, we both love you very much, and that will never change.”
#2: Did I do something wrong?
This question is extremely common. When a loss occurs, magical thinking tends to take over. This is a defense mechanism that occurs when children want to control. Children can blame themselves because they want to be able to control it in some way. Which is another reason to be clear and straightforward that children are not the reason for their parent’s divorce.
Consider a response like this:
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is not your fault at all. Divorce is something that happens between adults, and it’s about our relationship, not anything you did or didn’t do. We know this can feel confusing or scary, but we both love you just as much as we always have, and that’s never going to change.”
#3: What is going to happen on holidays?
Holidays are a big opportunity for loss to creep in because holidays are often surrounded by family rituals and special routines. Missing the presence of a parent at a family function or having to do special activities “ twice” is not usually a comment that soothes children.
Holidays are very magical and a very big part of children’s culture, so it is important to inform children of the holiday plans when the date approaches to help reduce the child’s stress.
Consider a response like this taking into account your specific situation:
“We know holidays are really important to you, and they’re important to us too. Things will be a little different, but we’ll make sure they’re still special.
Mom and Dad are working together to plan how we’ll celebrate holidays. You’ll still get to spend time with both of us, even if it’s on different days. We’ll make new traditions together, and if you have any ideas, we’d love to hear them.”
#4: Where will I live?
Transitions from home to home can be overwhelming. Informing children of the parenting routine is extremely important in helping establish a sense of security.
Showing children with a physical calendar or tracking system can help them know who is taking care of them. It is a great way to help children create a sense of “felt safety” and reduce the unknown of which home they are going to.
Consider this response to your child’s question (again, taking into account your specific situation):
“You’re going to have two homes now—one with me and one with your other parent. We’re still working out the details, but you’ll spend time with both of us. We know it’s a big change, but we’ll make sure you feel comfortable in both homes, and we’ll keep your routines as normal as possible. If you have any questions or worries about where you’ll stay, you can always talk to us, and we’ll work it out together.”
#5 Will my parents get back together?
Even when parents explain the narrative clearly, and answer all the questions in neutral ways, children often still hope that someday their parents will get back together.
When children hint at this, or suggest that the parents spend more time together, it is important to honor that the child wants the parents to be together again. After providing empathy and understanding to the child’s feelings, you can remind them of the original narrative you told them so that the language remains consistent.
You may want to consider saying something like this:
“We understand that it’s normal to wish for things to go back to the way they were, but we the parents have decided that we won’t be getting back together. Even though we’re not going to be a couple anymore, we will always be a team when it comes to loving and taking care of you. That will never change. We are both still here for you, no matter what.”
There are so many questions that children may have. It is appropriate to give yourself a pause and inform your child that you simply do not know the answer if you sincerely do not know. You can reassure them that you will inform them once you have a clear answer.
Divorce can be challenging to navigate and your children may have many more questions.
If you need more support on ways to answer your children’s tough questions or to create a divorce story so you can confidently talk to your child about the divorce, give us a call today to see how we can help!
