How many times did “should” come out of your mouth today?
“You should be putting your shoes on.”
“You should be doing your homework.”
“You should have been more grateful”
For most parents, it’s more than they’d guess, and every time it shows up, it can trigger shame instead of cooperation.
The good news: swapping it out doesn’t have to take a total personality overhaul. It just takes a small shift in how you frame the same request.
I’m Carly Schrimpl, owner and child therapist at Power Within Child Therapists, and I want to give you real, one-line swaps you can start using today. Words that get the same job done, without the shame attached.
SWAP #1: Invite Instead of Should
Instead of: “You should think about how you could’ve done that differently.”
Try: “I’m going to invite you to think about how you could’ve done that differently.”
Same message. Completely different feeling.
“Should” points backward at what went wrong. “Invite” points forward at what’s possible.
Your child can accept an invitation. There’s nothing to accept in a “should,” it’s just a verdict.
SWAP #2: State the Action Directly
Instead of: “You should be putting your shoes on.”
Try: “It’s time to put our shoes on.”
Instead of: “You should be doing your homework.”
Try: “I think it’s a great idea to do homework right about now.”
Notice what’s missing in both of these: judgment about what your child hasn’t done yet. You’re stating what’s happening now, not what should’ve already happened.
SWAP #3: Acknowledge, Then Redirect
This one’s especially useful when your child is already engaged in something else.
Instead of: “You should stop that and come here.”
Try: “I really want to see that. Let’s finish this part, so you can [get back to it / show me / wrap it up] in a minute.”
You’re acknowledging what matters to them first. Then you’re guiding them toward what needs to happen next. Nobody has to feel dismissed for the transition to happen.
SWAP #4: When the Choice is Already Made
Sometimes your child has already made the choice, and it’s done. The test already happened. The toy already broke. The words were already said.
In those moments, “should” has nowhere useful to go. It just argues with something that already happened.
Instead of relegating the past, try: “Okay, that happened. What do we do from here?”
This keeps the focus on the next step, not on proving your child wrong about the last one.
Here’s a quick way to catch yourself in the moment: any time “should” is about to come out, pause for one second and ask, “What am I actually trying to help them do right now?”
Then instead say it as an invitation, a direct statement, or an acknowledgment plus redirect.
It won’t feel natural every time at first. That’s normal. It’s a new habit, not a switch you flip once.
None of these swaps mean lowering your expectations. They just mean delivering them in a way your child can actually hear, instead of one that triggers shame and shuts learning down.
If you’d like more support putting language like this into practice at home, schedule an appointment at Power Within today. We are here to guide you to parent with real motivational skills!
