Here’s something I see almost every single day in my sessions: A parent comes in frustrated. Their kid won’t listen. Won’t cooperate. Won’t follow through.
And I can usually trace it back to one thing… You are probably asking them too many questions.
Parenting advice has sold us on this idea: ask your kid questions so they feel in control.
So we’re constantly asking:
“Do you want to brush your teeth?”
“What do you want for dinner?”
“How are you feeling right now?” or
“Would you like to put on your shoes?”
And it sounds empowering.
But here’s what’s actually happening: Your kid is getting the message that you don’t know what you’re doing.
You’re asking them to make the call.
And that? That crushes your authority as a parent.
I’m Carly Schrimpl, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the owner of Power Within Child Therapists. For over 14 years, I’ve helped families navigate this exact problem.
When kids feel like they’re in charge of decisions you should be making, several things happen. And I want to break these down because understanding why this matters will make it easier to shift.
#1: You're signaling uncertainty.
When you ask “Do you want to brush your teeth?” you’re asking your kid to make a call about something that’s non-negotiable.
Your kid picks up on that confusion immediately. They think: “If my parent isn’t sure about bedtime routines, what are they sure about?”
It erodes their confidence in you as a leader.
#2: You're creating negotiation.
When everything is a question, everything becomes a negotiation.
“Do you want to go to bed?” becomes “Well, can I stay up 10 more minutes?” which becomes a 20-minute power struggle.
But when you say “It’s bedtime now,” there’s nothing to negotiate. It’s clear. It’s done.
Your kid knows the boundary. And…They usually find that relieving.
#3: You're shifting responsibility.
Your job is to be the decision-maker. Not your kid.
When you ask questions constantly, you’re unknowingly saying: “I’m going to let you decide things that are actually my responsibility to decide.”
That puts your child in an uncomfortable position. They’re too young to handle that responsibility. And deep down, they know it.
You’re asking a 6-year-old to decide when they’re tired. A 9-year-old to decide what’s for dinner. Or a teenager to decide if they’ve had enough screen time.
That’s not empowerment. That’s a burden.
#4: You're training them to disrespect your authority.
And this is the piece that actually matters: if you’re always asking, your kid learns that your word isn’t final.
They learn that they can argue their way out of things. That they have veto power.
And pretty soon, you’re not the leader anymore. You’re someone they can negotiate with and override.
#5: You're actually making them less secure, not more.
Kids need to know there’s a capable adult at the helm. That’s how they feel safe.
When a parent is constantly asking “Is this okay?” or “What do you think?” the kid’s nervous system picks up on that uncertainty.
They start to feel responsible for managing the household. For making sure things are okay.
And that creates anxiety, not confidence.
So here’s what you can do differently, starting today.
Instead of asking permission questions, use statements.
Here’s an example: “Breakfast is ready in five minutes.” instead of “do you want to eat breakfast?”
Here’s another example: “You are going to get dressed now, My part is to get the car ready, your part is to pick and put on an outfit. You get to choose!”
Notice the difference? You’re still warm. You’re still giving a choice within the boundary. But you’re deciding the non-negotiables.
If you would like to learn more about building your parental authority, schedule an appointment at Power Within Child Therapists. We love helping parents feel enough for their child which in turn, helps children feel enough too.
