Have you ever said, “I shouldn’t have done that,” to yourself right after doing something completely human?
That’s not just self-criticism. It’s a pattern. And it’s probably showing up in how you talk to your kids, too.
I’m Carly Schrimpl, owner and child therapist at Power Within Child Therapists.
Today I want to talk about where the word “should” actually comes from, why it works like a thought distortion in our own minds, and a simple check-in you can use to catch it before it shapes how you parent.
"Should" Is a Thought Distortion
Think about a sentence like: “I shouldn’t have said that.”
That’s not really a fact. It’s a judgment about something that already happened, something that can’t be changed. It’s arguing with reality, and reality always wins that argument.
When that pattern runs in your own head, it’s hard not to pass it on to your child. We tend to parent the way we talk to ourselves.
If your internal dialogue is full of “should,” it’s worth noticing. Not to judge yourself for it, but because that can be where the habit with your kids started.
Where This Comes From
Most parents didn’t choose “should” language on purpose. It came from somewhere: a parent, a teacher, a coach, or a culture that used shame as a shortcut to get compliance.
It can feel automatic because it is. It’s a script running in the background, not a decision you’re actively making each time.
That’s actually good news. Scripts can be noticed. And once you notice one, you get to choose whether to keep running it.
Here's the Bigger Picture
This is something worth sitting with: your child is their own person.
Not a smaller version of you. Not a chance to fix what went wrong in your own childhood. Their own individual, with their own path.
And the truth is, none of us are really in control of anyone but ourselves, including our kids, no matter how much “should” language might suggest otherwise.
If parenting became about healing something in yourself through your child, that’s worth noticing too. It’s an understandable pull. It’s just not the same thing as helping your child grow into who they actually are.
This Is What You Can Do to Check-In
The next time you feel a “should” forming, pause and ask yourself some questions:
“Where did I hear this?” Is this really my belief, or a script I picked up somewhere?
“How do I want to show up as a parent right now?” Not how you were shown up for. How you want to show up.
“Do I want to shame them, or do I want to help them grow?”
That last question tends to answer itself pretty quickly. Almost no parent, when they slow down enough to ask it, actually wants shame to be the tool they reach for.
This isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about building a small pause into a habit that used to run on autopilot.
Every time you catch it, you’re giving your child something different than what you might have been given: a chance to grow instead of a reason to shrink.
If you’d like support building this kind of awareness into your parenting, schedule an appointment at Power Within today. We’re here to help you and your child grow together.
