Your child says, “I don’t know how I feel.”
Is that a dodge? Or is it real?
It’s usually real.
Kids don’t always have the words yet, even when they want to.
I’m Carly Schrimpl, owner and Child Therapist at Power Within Child Therapists, and today I want to give you a few simple questions that help your child find those words, without putting them on the spot.
Why this is so hard for kids
Feelings show up in the body first, and words come second, for kids even more than adults.
That gap between “something is happening” and “I can name it” is completely normal.
It’s not defiance. It’s not avoidance.
It’s a skill that’s still under construction. And like any skill, it grows with practice, instead of pressure.
PART 1: "I Don't Know How I Feel"
When your child says they don’t know, this is your chance to go exploring!!!
Go to the body instead.
Ask:
“What’s happening in your tummy right now?”
“What’s going on in your feet?”
“Is your chest feeling tight, or loose?”
“What do you notice?”
A sensation is easier to name than a feeling.
And naming a sensation is the first step toward naming a feeling.
If your child points to their stomach or says their hands feel shaky, you can gently offer: “Sometimes that happens when we’re nervous, or frustrated, or excited. Do any of those sound close?” and let them choose, or say none of those fit. Either answer is fine.
PART 2: "I'm Feeling Frustrated"
Now let’s say your child can name the feeling. They say, “I’m frustrated with my brother.”
Here’s a great follow-up:
“How do you know that?”
It sounds simple. But it asks your child to notice the evidence behind the feeling, what’s happening in their body, their thoughts, their day.
That builds self-awareness.
And self-awareness is a skill they’ll use for the rest of their life.
This question works for almost any feeling word your child offers: sad, worried, excited, embarrassed. The goal is the same each time: help them notice the clues that told them what they were feeling.
AN EXAMPLE: Before School Nerves
Let’s try this scenario: your child seems off before school, but can’t explain why.
Instead of “What’s wrong?” which can feel like a lot to answer, try:
“Tell me what is happening in your tummy?”
Maybe they say their stomach feels funny.
“Funny how? Tight, jumpy, empty?”
You’re not fixing anything yet. You’re just helping them build the map between body and feeling. That map is what lets them name it faster next time, on their own.
The next step is to add a coping skill to support that sensation that they noticed. You can say something like.
“Let’s take care of your tummy. What is something you could do right now in the next 30 seconds for that tummy?”
As a parent you have helped them to cope, regulate, and take care of themselves which builds self love and confidence!
A FEW THINGS TO AVOID
Avoid rushing to supply the word. It’s tempting to say “you’re frustrated!” the moment you see it. Try the body question first, and let them arrive at the word themselves when they can.
Avoid treating “I don’t know” as a wall. It’s usually a starting point, not a dead end.
Avoid asking five questions in a row. One gentle question, then wait. Kids need a little space to actually check in with themselves.
These questions are small.
But they help your child build something huge: understanding what’s going on inside them.
If you’d like more tools like these, schedule an appointment at Power Within today. We’d love to help.
